2006 BIRTHDAY CHALLENGE

Each year we provide an essay topic in a special birthday edition of the Muse which is distributed at both New York dinners and posted on the ASH website.

The Assignment

Have you noticed how obsessed the media is with couples? Getting together, growing apart, murdering, manipulating, mangling, or marrying—whatever they do, you can bet that we’re going to be told all about it. What do you think today’s media would have to say about some of the couples in the Canon? Excluding couples that include Holmes, Watson and/or Irene, tell us your choice for Canonical Couple of the Year in a titillating modern-day news story of 200 words or less. (And yes, you can do it in rhyme. After all, it might make a good country and western song.)

Birthday Challenge Winners

Our winning entry is from new Muse contributor Jeffry Bradway. Our first runner-up was Warren Randall. Honorable mentions go to Don Izban and Karen Murdoch. Below you’ll find the winning entry and the first runner-up.

Siblings or Spouses?!

Dartmoor Couple Exposed!

by Jeffry Bradway

From the Devon County Chronicle, October 25, 1888

GRIMPEN: This quiet moorland village is in shock at news that naturalist Jack Stapleton and Beryl, thought to be his sister, are none other than man and wife. This startling revelation was made by Sherlock Holmes, the well-known investigator, based on records of their marriage in York under the name of Vandeleur.

The couple came to Grimpen two years ago, making Merripit House their residence. Reasons for their deception have yet to be revealed. Stapleton has disappeared in the direction of Grimpen Mire, while his wife, suffering from ill-usage and exhaustion, is recuperating at home.

Sir Henry Baskerville, himself a recent addition to the Grimpen community, had been courting “Miss” Stapleton. Said to be in a state of total collapse, he is unavailable for comment. Dr. James Mortimer, his spokesman, said, “Stapleton has disappeared into the Grimpen Mire, which is just as well for all concerned.” Meanwhile, Baskerville’s housekeeper, Eliza Barrymore, has commented, “He ought to be treated like one of them butterflies he’s so fond of catching.” It is reported that Miss Laura Lyons, of Coombe Tracy, was courted by “Stapleton,” and has intimated that she will, at the first opportunity, begin proceedings against him for breach of promise.

Couples

by Warren Randall

The Canon abounds with named couples galore.
For example, in Hound, you’ll find Barrymore.
And most of the others seem married for life.
Earmarked is Shlessinger. Was Fraser his wife?

Some of the others ended as splits:
Barclay and Vandeleur and the Hilton Cubitts.
But the Moultons and Luccas and the Jephro Rucastles
Kept it together in spite of their hassles.

So whom shall we chose for Canonical couple,
Honest or true or morally supple?
(Excluding the stars who cannot be seen:
Sherlock and John and lovely Irene.)

First, there’s the husband, he is old without vigor—
Sad to report his trigger lacks rigor—
While the missus, he thought, had empathy
For that chess-playing fellow with his M.D.

That was the story for police and the press.
Pathetic and broken, he must confess,
He was deceived by good friend and wife,
“Alas and alack, my money and life.”

No matter the couple lacked carnal intent,
Their fate was sealed in any event.
Since Josiah for his deed-box was zealous,
He was just greedy, no need to be jealous.

I know there’s a style I really would like
From a strange, languid fellow, Mr. L. Pike,
Who could add titillation for a modern news story,
For my Birthday Challenge! Victory! Glory!