2015 BIRTHDAY CHALLENGE
Each year we provide an essay topic in a special birthday edition of the Muse.
This year’s assignment
The course of true love doesn’t always run smooth in the Canon, but suppose a lovelorn character met his or her one true mate in a different Canonical tale? If Beryl Garcia wanted to marry a schoolmaster, would she have had better luck with, not Rodger Baskerville/Vandeleur/Stapleton, but Thorneycroft Huxtable? Could Douglas Maberley, instead of passion, violence, and death with Isadora Klein, have found happiness and excellent typewriting support for his novels with Mary Sutherland or Laura Lyons? We’re sure you can come up with your own imaginative couples. Your entry should not exceed 300 words and should not have appeared in print before.
Birthday Challenge Winner
“You’ve Got a Friend”
by Sandy Kozinn
Mary Sutherland fell in love with a fake,
Not thinking he wanted her money to take.
Her Angel was more of a devil, you see.
He left her with promises, ne’er to be free.
What if Mary, that night when she went to the ball,
Met a rising young plumber who offered to call?
He seemed like a fellow both suave and polite
And clearly had thoughts that were ever so bright.
“So you met a young man? Well, what can you tell?
Bad eyes? Damaged voice? Guess he’s not very well.
You’re an enterprising girl, and I do wonder why
You would take up with someone who seems very shy.
“Let me wine you and dine you and you’ll meet my friends.
I’ll make promises none, but we’ll see where this ends.”
He was good as his word. She met many young men.
She had offers of marriage, again and again.
Though her mother and stepfather ranted in rage,
Said friend: “Stick to your guns, move out of your cage.”
Mary’s married with children, but she’s never forgot,
That rising young plumber, whom she called Escott.
Runners-Up
Our runners-up in random order are: Greg Darak, William Walsh, Elaine Coppola, and Warren Randall. Their entries appear below.
Greg Darak
One pairing comes immediately to mind. Both of these people are in an unfortunate situation, possibly destined to spend the rest of their lives alone, but if they were to meet, who knows? Each of them is uniquely situated to be understanding of and sympathetic to the other one’s plight. I am writing, of course, about Baron Adelbert Gruner and Eugenia Ronder, the veiled lodger.
Besides their obvious parallel situations, there are other reasons for thinking they might get along. Holmes described Gruner as “a purring cat” (who thinks he sees prospective mice). Eugenia has much experience with large cats, taking care of Sahara King. The couple also have many things in common. At this point in their lives, both know what rejection is like—Eugenia by Leonardo, Adelbert by Violet de Merville. Both of them are passionate. Both of them are murderers. It seems like a marriage made in—well, no, probably not heaven, but still…
Will Walsh
Seeking an escape, I turned to the Agony Column to address my need for strong, protective companionship. One response stood out, and we agreed to meet the following Saturday for a picnic among the ancient stones in Avebury.
Oh, on first sight, what a marvelous display of masculine strength. He approached me, striding with confidence up the small hill. His broad shoulders and chiseled features drew everyone’s attention and his gigantic, bounding strides caused some to stagger in awe. Yet, an air of ominous foreboding clung to him, causing anxiety and a shadow of fear in most.
We recognized each other immediately, seemingly standing isolated from the various people walking along the stones. Though strangers, we rushed to each other and we greeted as if we were the closest of friends. Though mismatched in size, we immediately understood that we belonged to each other.
As we walked, he explained the horrors that he endured. He was bound in service to an appalling master who forced him to work in isolation for days while providing the barest of sustenance. He confessed that the situation directly impacted his disposition and made him angry towards most people.
I relayed my own tale of woe. I told him of one whom I had worshipped like a master, but who had responded to that devotion with cruel treatment and abuse. I explained how he had returned my affection with poison, frequently leaving me paralyzed.
As the day neared its end, we decided that we would depart together, abandon our pasts, and establish new lives elsewhere. With nothing to return to, we journeyed to Glastonbury. There, living in the shadow of the Tor, I was his Josephine (not Carlo, Dr. Watson), and he, who everyone simply called “The Hound,” was my Benjy.
Elaine Coppola
Many women in the Canon are victims of dastardly deeds by men. One of the less commented on is Agatha, the housemaid from CHAS.
Agatha, probably forced to work for the despicable Milverton by poverty, sees rescue in the form of the plumber Escott. This successful young workman not only courts her but proposes to her. Sadly, Escott was really Holmes in disguise using her to find out about the house and to get the beastly dog locked up so that Holmes and Watson can burgle Lady Eva’s letters. How devastated Agatha must have been when Escott disappeared, never to return! When Watson expresses his dismay at Holmes’ deceit, Sherlock merely says that there is a “hated rival” ready to take his place. So who do I suggest as this rival who will step in and marry Agatha?
Given his essential goodness and concern for women, I believe Holmes set up this rival by seeing that Hall Pycroft from STOC met Agatha. They make an ideal couple. We know little of Agatha, but it is likely that she is a Cockney like Hall. We can deduce that she is talkative and accommodating from her help to Holmes—qualities that would attract the friendly Hall. Agatha would certainly find Hall appealing as he is described as “a well-built, fresh-complexioned young fellow” with a “round, ruddy face…naturally full of cheeriness” who has a good position at Mawson and Williams (I’m assuming they still take him on). Both having been deceived, they empathize with each other’s experience, and they have learned to be wary of unscrupulous people making generous offers—a quality that will be useful in their future together as freelance consultants to Scotland Yard on fraud!
Warren Randall
There they were, sitting in the anteroom of a well-known agency in the West End. He was a handsome man, with a visage to be remembered by all who met him. She was rather plain, sitting, clasping and unclasping her hands, an act that seemingly demanded her full attention.
He leaned forward and whispered, “How did you do with Miss Stoper? That office of hers is rather tight for me.”
She raised her chin and looked closely at him. Was he another villain? she wondered.
“She mentioned an opening for a couple near Dartmoor,” he went on. “But I am rather alone now!”
“I am quite alone as well.” The words now rushed out of her. “I think I lost my last position because I talked of things I shouldn’t have. I may not find another position.”
“That’s nothing,” he came back with a smile that cheered her immediately, “I was told that the trust which was reposed in me had been sullied. In any event, this old couple want to leave service; they think the new master will be having more company and will require a more vigorous staff. Miss Stoper told me that there seems to be no one interested in getting that close to the Grimpen Mire!”
She thought for a moment. “I would not mind being away from London for a bit. As long as things were proper-like.
“I am certain that the house would be large enough to provide suitable accommodations. Shall we put it to the lady? By the way, my name is Brunton.”
“No given name.” She gave a small laugh.
“Why are you laughing?”
“My name is Agatha, no surname.”
They both rose and walked to the office. He said, “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship,” as the door closed.