2016 JAN WHIMSEY AWARD

Steve Mason for the radio play “When Death Comes A’ Callin.’” The Serpentine Muse, Vol. 31 No. 1, 2014, pp 8-13.

WHEN DEATH COMES A’ CALLIN’

by Steve Mason

(a radio play with thanks and apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Woody Allen)

HOLMES: Lestrade, I congratulate you on the successful completion of a most interesting case.

LESTRADE: While I will take the official and public credit, I must admit you are the only reason we were able to capture Maxwell.

HOLMES: Fair enough.

LESTRADE: Holmes, one point still confuses me. Why did you keep referring to the different lengths the candles had burned?

HOLMES: To keep everyone confused.

LESTRADE: Simply brilliant.

HOLMES: Elementary.

WATSON: (under his breath) Starting to get tired of that phrase…

There’s a knock on the door.

HOLMES: Who could that be at this late hour and in such hellish weather?

WATSON: Are you expecting a client?

HOLMES: No, but it would not surprise me if it is some lost soul who has lost his cat or a wronged woman seeking revenge.

HOLMES: Halloa, please enter.

ENTER a caped figure, wearing a robe and black hood

HOLMES: Pray, who comes to our door on such a bleak night?

DEATH: Death.

WATSON: Who?

DEATH: Death. May I please take a chair? It was not the smoothest hansom ride here.  Not a lot of padding on my backside to smooth out the cobblestones.

LESTRADE: I’m sorry. I must have misunderstood. Who did you say you were?

DEATH: Death. D-E-A-T-H. No Christian name, no given name, just DEATH!!

LESTRADE: Death? What type of name is that?

DEATH: What’s wrong with you three? Do you not recognize the black costume and whitened face, as well as the bony fingers?

WATSON: How do we know you aren’t an imposter?

DEATH: Is it All Hallows Eve? Does this look like a cheap costume?

WATSON: No.

DEATH: Then I’m Death, and I’m here for Dr. Watson.

WATSON: Are you injured? Is that why you came?

DEATH: Sorry. I came for you, not to you.

WATSON: Is this some practical joke?

DEATH: Someone would have a sick sense of humor. Let’s see…Dr. James (or John) Hamish Watson, 221b Baker Street.  Unless headquarters messed up the run sheet, which is highly unlikely, you’re it.

WATSON: ME!!! What do you want with me?

DEATH: You’re a little on the slow side, aren’t you? What do you think I want?

WATSON: But I am in perfect health. I walk every day…

DEATH: …and you smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, and treat every meal as if it’s your last.

LESTRADE: What if he is not ready to go?

DEATH: He doesn’t get a choice. I have a schedule. This is my first job; I don’t want to mess it up.

WATSON: I haven’t finished reading the latest Clark Russell story.

DEATH: Trust me; the ending isn’t that exciting. You ready to go?

WATSON: Go where?

DEATH: The other side. To the white light. Take your choice.

LESTRADE: How do we know you are who you say you are?

DEATH: Who do I look like, Jack the Ripper or Prince Edward?  Sorry to disappoint you.

LESTRADE: Based on the pictures in books, I would have assumed you would be a little taller.

DEATH: I’m average height for my weight. I watch what I eat.

LESTRADE: Strange, you look a little like Watson.

DEATH: Who should I look like? I am his death.

WATSON: Any chance we could work out something where I don’t have to go? At least give me a day or two.

DEATH: I don’t think so. The newspapers are predicting sunshine tomorrow. I can’t work in that weather.

HOLMES: Would you get extra points if you brought in two or three for the price of one?

DEATH: What do you mean?

HOLMES: Just this…I propose a small game between you and me. If I win, you leave with no one and do not darken our doorstep for a period of at least twenty years.

DEATH: And if I win?

HOLMES: Watson, Lestrade, and I will voluntarily accompany you.

DEATH: And what will we play? I’m a chess champion and play a mean game of gin.

LESTRADE: Can we back up a second? How did I get involved?

HOLMES: Not now, Lestrade. I suggest we have a simple game of riddles. The first one who cannot appropriately answer the other’s question loses.

DEATH: I shouldn’t agree to this.

HOLMES: You won’t regret it.

DEATH: I already do.

LESTRADE: Can we put a little money on this? Just to make it interesting?

WATSON: I would say it’s interesting enough already.

DEATH: Let’s get started. Since I agreed to this farce, I should be allowed to ask the first riddle.

HOLMES: By all means.

DEATH: Brothers and sisters I have none, but this man’s father is my father’s son. Who is the man?

HOLMES: This is a simple one. The man is my son. My turn.

HOLMES: The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you die.

DEATH: Nothing. Time to make it a little more difficult?

WATSON: So where do we go when it is all over with?

DEATH: We? You just fall down onto the ground. Lights out. End of story.

WATSON: Does it hurt?

DEATH: Nope. Over in a snap of the fingers.  Which creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

WATSON: I think I know the answer to this one.

DEATH: No fair. This is just between Mr. Holmes and myself.

HOLMES: Watson, do not fear. It is man. He crawls on all fours as an infant, walks on two feet as an adult, and then walks with a cane when he is aged.

LESTRADE: Does Watson have to fall onto the floor? Can he lie on a sofa or his bed when it happens?

DEATH: No. His script states he is to fall onto the floor. Quit trying to distract me. I’m trying to concentrate.

HOLMES: Let’s speed this up. What can circumvent the globe while staying in a corner?

DEATH: A stamp. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

HOLMES: A towel. What kind of room has no doors, windows or any other type of exit?

DEATH: A mushroom. Which word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?

HOLMES: The word “incorrectly.”

WATSON: Why must it be on the floor? I would like to go in my bed.

DEATH: Can’t promise. I’ll see what I can do.

HOLMES: If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven’t got me.

DEATH: A secret. What gets broken without being held?

HOLMES: A promise. Feed me and I live; give me a drink and I die.

DEATH: Fire.

LESTRADE: What did you mean this is your first job?

DEATH: What does it sound like?

WATSON: Are you saying that nobody ever went before?

DEATH: Sure. But I didn’t take them. Whose turn is it?

HOLMES: Yours.

DEATH: Take off my skin. I won’t cry, but you will!

HOLMES: An onion.  What has one eye but cannot see?

DEATH: A needle. What is always coming but never arrives?

HOLMES: Tomorrow. I fear this is going to go on for a long time.

LESTRADE: You know you’re not as scary-looking as I pictured.

DEATH: Why would I want to be? One look, a scream, there goes the ticker—not much sport in that.
(To Holmes) Let’s each throw out our hardest riddle. That should end this battle. I will go first again.

WATSON: That hardly seems fair.

DEATH: Don’t make me mad. You would not like an angry death.

LESTRADE: Touchy, aren’t you?

DEATH: You question my height, my reason to be here, not scary enough, and then say I’m touchy?

LESTRADE: Sorry.

DEATH: Apology accepted.  When the day after tomorrow is yesterday, then today will be as far from Sunday as that day was which was today when the day before yesterday was tomorrow.

HOLMES: The day is Sunday, where you started.

LESTRADE: Good job, Holmes. See here…ask him what’s in your pocket.

HOLMES: That sounds vaguely familiar. It’s been done before.

DEATH: If you win, what I will do for the next twenty years?

WATSON: Take an extended holiday, get a hobby, entertain at children’s parties; not my worry.

HOLMES: Mary’s mum has four children. The first child is named Winter. The second Summer. The third Autumn. What is the name of the fourth child?

DEATH: The simple answer is Spring. This must be a trick question.

WATSON: Your time is just about up.

DEATH: Don’t rush me; I almost have it. Could it be the number of letters in the name? Or have to do with the months?

LESTRADE: Give up; you’re not going to get it.

(Sound of Death banging his head on the wall)

DEATH: I give up…it makes no sense to me. I’m going with Spring.

WATSON: Is the answer August?

LESTRADE: Or maybe December?

HOLMES: As always, all of you heard but did not observe. Did you not hear the first line of the riddle, “Mary’s mum has four children”? The other three were named after seasons. The fourth child was Mary.

DEATH: That’s too easy.

HOLMES: Elementary.

WATSON: Find another catchphrase.

HOLMES: Please close the door on your way out. We’ll see you in twenty years. I’ll have some bees for you to meet then.